Stress out...

Meant to write down my daily feeling starting from the last blog but was too tired and by the time I played with Angie, it's already late and I need to sleep.Now that Angie sleep early, I can finally get some words out of my mind.

It had been 18 days from the day Dear was admitted to hospital. I am happy that he did not let us down. So far, his lung had been improving daily and it appears that the airway is clear in the CT scan. Bad thing is, his heart is not improving much. This morning doctor told me that he will prepare the logistics to operate on Dear to change to the mid term machine. If he did not change to mid term machine, the risk of getting stroke will be higher and once stroke occurs, no more treatment can be done.

Up to date, i had been facing a lot of stress. Stress from my mother in law being emotional and dramatic every now and then, stress from the doctor that I have to make sure I understand his next decision and moves, stress from pretending to be strong and stress that I have to go to and fro the hospital and workplace so that I can save my leave.

I believe some of my relatives and my mother in law are criticizing me for being so cheerful when my husband is lying unconscious on the bed. I really don't know what to do except to be cheerful and joke with the nurse. They don't understand how hurt I am inside and the need for me to appear cheerful! I need to be cheerful for Angie, my friends and my family! If I collapse, they will worry more for me then who is going to make the decision for Dear operation and face Angie?

All along, I thought I can handle it well. However, I begin to feel tire out and every now and then I will feel like crying out loud! My brother helped to massage my shoulder and he commented that my shoulder and neck are very stiff. I had actually subconsciously build up stress! I wanted to relax but I don't know how! What I can do is to keep talking rubbish and joke around so that I can appear strong and cheerful. Therefore, I really meant it when I said the nurses are my pillar of support.

Being the one responsible for all decisions, I appreciate that some friends actually suggest some private doctors to me. Honestly speaking, I was in dilemma initially. I am afraid that when I have more options, will I regret if the option that I chosen doesn't work out? Will I regret for not seeking second opinion if something happen to Dear now? No matter how I decide, there will always be regrets. Just now, I ask the doctor in charge how will the doctor in private hospital treat this kind of patient and he answered confidently that the patient will have to be send to the government hospital to have the same treatment as Dear because only they have the ECMO machine. To put it in a ugly way, I decided to leave all these opinion seeking and decision making to the doctor, which means I am pushing my responsibility to him. In this case if anything goes wrong, it is not my fault. But of course I seriously hope nothing will go wrong!

After so many days, more and more people start to know about what happen to Dear. I am fortunate to have friends who are willing to listen to me and support whatever I said. My thank list gets longer and I would like to record it here so that I can show Dear who had been helping us when we are down. Of course there are also friends who did show their concern over facebook, sms and whatsapp. However, there are too many of them and I really do not have the time nor mood to reply them to thank them for their concerns. 

Thanks to my boss Hweeling for giving me the flexibility to come office later and go off whenever I am needed in the hospital. Thanks also for granting me unofficial leave, knowing I will not have enough leave. Thanks to CherHoon for tolerating my disappearance every now and then in her training and allowing me to take unofficial leave off her training. Thanks to Chow for praying for my family and take the initiative to discuss with Laysin to allow me to work from home, thereby saving my leave. Thanks SweeKiat for explaining the medical terms to me.