The cruel reality

This morning, the cruel reality slapped me straight and hard on my face. The director of ICU told me there is small chance for Dear's lungs and heart to improve and tell me to be prepared for the worst. All along, Dr. Maung had been telling me the risks Dear faced when he was on ECMO but he did not add in any percentage to tell me his chance of recovery. In this way, I hold on to the hope that day by day, Dear will improve and negative thoughts gradually slipped out of my mind.

I can't blame the doctor for telling me the negative point. He has a job to do. At least now I don't have to be the bad guy to tell my in laws all these negative talk. Dear's condition is like a race. He is strong to run forward but the bad news is he did not run fast enough and thus, the complication for being on ECMO catch up with him and start to bug his progress. Guess we will have to push him harder.

Libao bought a voice recorder and record all the blessing and wishes from all Dear's colleagues in Mediatek. So sweet of her! She pass me the recorder and I will start playing beside Dear's bed tomorrow. I had also told Christina they all to prepare their speech and record them down. Now the most tedious task is to record Angie's voice. She is chatty but once she sense you have a motive, she may just shut up and walk away. Hmm..think have to dedicate this task to my sister.

Yawn..been a long day since I brought Angie to NUH follow up and I myself did a checkup. Luckily everything was fine but I still experience pain at my left chest when I cough. Guess I will need to observe a few days. Time to sleep cos tomorrow gonna wake up early to support Dear when the doctors perform the removing of blood clots from his lungs. Dear, Jia You! You can do it! You are the strongest man I ever knew! Love you very very much my dear! Good night, miss you! See you soon!

Speedy recovery dear!

Today is one of the best day of my life! This morning Dr. Shankar from SGH told me that he see signs of recovery in Dear's heart! Hopefully when his lungs improved, his heart is also gradually improving, thus skipping the BiVAD and by the end of the month, he can get off ALL assisted device!

I have to admit that, from the day he was admitted, he had never let me down. Everyday, though most of the time he is not showing much improvement, at least I feel glad that he is not getting worse. Though the improvement of his lung stop for these 2 days, but it is mostly due to him being on bed for so long. Maybe in 2 or 3 more days, doctor will perform operation to reduce the fluid.

Hmm...ever since I know that Dear keep his past dating history from me, I had been wondering to myself why must he lie to me that he had no previous relationship? Should I believe what he told me or should I believe what I heard? Recently I met that girl and I find her quite pretty and I felt inferior for she dress better than me and my MIL seems to prefer her than me. Think that is because she know how to console people? Never talk to her so don't really know her. I will have to wait till Dear gets better before I can grill him!!! Most important thing now is for me to make him get better so that I can grill him later...

Another worth mentioning is, I told my MIL how I feel. I told her to ask me any questions she want and I also told her that I de stress by talking and laughing more with the nurses. Hopefully, she can understand that I do care for her son, MY HUSBAND AND ANGIE'S FATHER!

Stress out...

Meant to write down my daily feeling starting from the last blog but was too tired and by the time I played with Angie, it's already late and I need to sleep.Now that Angie sleep early, I can finally get some words out of my mind.

It had been 18 days from the day Dear was admitted to hospital. I am happy that he did not let us down. So far, his lung had been improving daily and it appears that the airway is clear in the CT scan. Bad thing is, his heart is not improving much. This morning doctor told me that he will prepare the logistics to operate on Dear to change to the mid term machine. If he did not change to mid term machine, the risk of getting stroke will be higher and once stroke occurs, no more treatment can be done.

Up to date, i had been facing a lot of stress. Stress from my mother in law being emotional and dramatic every now and then, stress from the doctor that I have to make sure I understand his next decision and moves, stress from pretending to be strong and stress that I have to go to and fro the hospital and workplace so that I can save my leave.

I believe some of my relatives and my mother in law are criticizing me for being so cheerful when my husband is lying unconscious on the bed. I really don't know what to do except to be cheerful and joke with the nurse. They don't understand how hurt I am inside and the need for me to appear cheerful! I need to be cheerful for Angie, my friends and my family! If I collapse, they will worry more for me then who is going to make the decision for Dear operation and face Angie?

All along, I thought I can handle it well. However, I begin to feel tire out and every now and then I will feel like crying out loud! My brother helped to massage my shoulder and he commented that my shoulder and neck are very stiff. I had actually subconsciously build up stress! I wanted to relax but I don't know how! What I can do is to keep talking rubbish and joke around so that I can appear strong and cheerful. Therefore, I really meant it when I said the nurses are my pillar of support.

Being the one responsible for all decisions, I appreciate that some friends actually suggest some private doctors to me. Honestly speaking, I was in dilemma initially. I am afraid that when I have more options, will I regret if the option that I chosen doesn't work out? Will I regret for not seeking second opinion if something happen to Dear now? No matter how I decide, there will always be regrets. Just now, I ask the doctor in charge how will the doctor in private hospital treat this kind of patient and he answered confidently that the patient will have to be send to the government hospital to have the same treatment as Dear because only they have the ECMO machine. To put it in a ugly way, I decided to leave all these opinion seeking and decision making to the doctor, which means I am pushing my responsibility to him. In this case if anything goes wrong, it is not my fault. But of course I seriously hope nothing will go wrong!

After so many days, more and more people start to know about what happen to Dear. I am fortunate to have friends who are willing to listen to me and support whatever I said. My thank list gets longer and I would like to record it here so that I can show Dear who had been helping us when we are down. Of course there are also friends who did show their concern over facebook, sms and whatsapp. However, there are too many of them and I really do not have the time nor mood to reply them to thank them for their concerns. 

Thanks to my boss Hweeling for giving me the flexibility to come office later and go off whenever I am needed in the hospital. Thanks also for granting me unofficial leave, knowing I will not have enough leave. Thanks to CherHoon for tolerating my disappearance every now and then in her training and allowing me to take unofficial leave off her training. Thanks to Chow for praying for my family and take the initiative to discuss with Laysin to allow me to work from home, thereby saving my leave. Thanks SweeKiat for explaining the medical terms to me.

So tired...

Today, I felt very tired and helpless. I felt like complaining to my husband but he is in ICU. I know this is going to be a long and tiring process but as long as he remains stable and improving, I can really set my mind at ease. Operations are unavoidable but I trust the surgical team and NUH caregivers that they will do their best. So far, the nurses and doctors had been a great help in taking care of my husband and I really appreciate that deeply.

What tires me out and pissed me most is my mother in law. Here we are, doing our very best to motivate my husband and there she is, crying almost everyday and today she went overboard by crying loudly in the public, telling my parents how pathetic her son was after getting married! I admit that I am not an obedient daughter in law but I am not afraid to say that I played my role well! Everything that her son said to her, be it my message or a final decision made after some discussion, it's his problem not wanting to explain further. Why must she deduce that her son was scared of me, thus don't dare to explain further? What makes me angrier is, she told my parents that her son is very thrifty and she worried that he does not have enough to spend. Sounds like I am spending all his money when in actual fact, we keep our account separate!!! I felt so wronged!!! What can I do? I can't confront her nor defend myself!!! During this critical period of time, I had to be strong for my husband and Angie! I really don't have more energy to bother about her. Blame me if she want! I am not going to care so much. If my husband wake up and also think I don't do enough for him, as much as his mother, I will be so depressed and disappointed. All his mum does is cry all day long while both his sister and me are motivating the other relatives and him! Not that I am trying to claim credit. I just want to feel appreciated!

Now my focus is mainly in Angie and my blogshop. Like what I always told my husband in his ear, he just need to take care of his own body while I take care of the things outside.

Anyway, from this incident, I know who is true friends and who really help me a great deal. Thanks Christina, Benny, Lawrence and Chuanghui for helping me to motivate my husband and show me support. Thanks my sister in law and my brother ZhiWang who always give me the positive mindset and motivates me and my husband. Thanks to Meijun, Meiqi and Joyce for talking and joking with me to make me forget the problems. Thanks to ChyeHong for helping me settle all the billing issue so that I got one problem less to settle. Thanks to Jasmine, Libao and YenMin for helping me inform Mediatek relevant department on my husband situation and insurance claims. Thanks to 七佬王 for helping me to revive my husband life. Thanks to my grandma, parentss, CaiHong, CaiDi CaiYun and ZhiCheng for helping me to take care of Angie and also talk to me so that I won't think too much. Thanks to my husband's relatives for accompanying and talking to my mother in law so that she will not think too much. Last but not least, those who visited my husband! Thank you very much for taking your precious time to visit him even though he was unconscious.

Yawn...time to sleep...tomorrow still need to wake up early to visit my husband...

It's Been A Long Long Time...

It's been a long long time since I written in this blog. From the last post till this, many things had changed in my life. Temper, mindset, character and a totally mine blogshop. Even this post is different from the past because this is the first time I am typing my thoughts through my laptop!

Time really flies and wait for nobody. Angie is learning fast! Looking at her achieving her milestone gives me a sense of achievement as a mother. After having Angie in my life, I realized that I had changed my mindset in terms of positive thinking and also matured handling of my relationship with Mr Lau. Nowadays, no matter how angry I am with him, I will still talk to him in the end. This, I think is a good change. Here, I would like to thank Mr Lau for the help and support he gave when taking care of Angie. Thanks Dear! Without you, I will not be able to manage!

Now for positive mindset. Ever since I use mind power to help me through delivery and pumping of breastmilk, I am a deep believer of mind power. I believe mind power can change my situation but I am shamed to say that I only know the basics despite having the materials which can help me study mind power better. I am always too busy to think about listening to the materials and there's a few occasion Mr Lau ask to listen, I feel like sleeping. Pumping, babysitting and working is taking a great deal of my time. Hai..I know all these are excuses..but sometimes even when I am awake, I also wish to take some time to blank my mind and relax.. Now with the blogshop, I should stop blanking my mind!

Before I forget, my blogshop url is http://bingbling-sg.blogspot.com

I will create a facebook page when I have more products. Ideas keep swarming into my head on what product to publish in my blog. Thank you Universe for giving me all those ideas! I am noting them down and implementing them step by step! 

Bro, you are the only one reading my blog. I think I will invite some of my friends and our siblings to be my reader so I can be motivated to be hardworking instead of always watching drama. Take care!

Random Thoughts

Been a long time since my last blog. Tonight, I have so many thoughts in my mind that I think I look emo.
Therefore, here I am to record down all my thoughts and maybe one day when I review this blog, I may realize I achieve something or miss out something.

Thoughts on Angie: Felt blessed that she is a smart and cute baby. Maybe it is God's will that nobody is perfect. She is born smart and behaved and thus have some defect in her eye. Looking at her smiling with her spectacles, make me proud that she is so cute even with specs. However, as I type these down, I felt tears in the corner of my eye. Why? I recalled just now, when we were in IKEA, people look at Angie with a puzzled look. I told myself not to be bothered, but I subconsciously turn Angie around them. I realized I felt hurt when people look at her with the pitiful look in their eye. I think I will feel better if people praise that she look cute with her specs. Hai...think I will need some time to adjust to those puzzled stares.

Thoughts on Malaysia: Should I drive into JB on Wednesday public holiday or wait till weekend when petrol need refill? Which checkpoint should I go to? Should I go shopping and pump petrol or solely go in for petrol? Which shopping center to go? Who should I ask along? So many question marks in my mind. Guess will need Dear to decide for me.

Thoughts on self improvement: Hai..sometime I will set target and have a fix timing in my mind about what I should read or do in that hour. Be it reading up on Forex trading, stocks trading or updating of my account balance. However, Angie will always be my main focus and every time when the hour is up for serious business, either I will be slacking some where or I will be shopping online for Angie's stuff or my stuff. Every time I think back on the time I wasted, I will ask myself  "How am I going to achieve my goal on quitting my job in 2 years time (wrapped up 10 years working experience) if I remain this way?" This question comes on and off but till now, no action have yet been taken. Hopefully after this blog, there will be some improvement.

Thoughts on steamboat business: This idea had always been in my mind. I wanted to start it but not sure how to go about it. Thought of renting a shop to start it but this will require some capital which I am lacking of. Thought of setting it online first so that no capital is required but not sure how to make the website and did not go look for sources and contacts. Some time I tell myself, I will have to overcome the obstacles (mind and reality) and I must be BIGGER than my problems! I CAN DO IT!

Thought of family: Recently, I organizing a lunch buffet at Cafebiz with my family and aunties. Though it cost $33 per person, I planned to treat Dear for it since he will treat me The Line for Anniversary. However, what I am worried now is, will I have to pay for my parents and grandma on that day? That will be another extra expenses. Though I don't mind paying for them, but seems like I will be spending too much for this month! I will have to dig my saving again! People may think I deserve it and I should not grumble since I am the one who organize. BUT WAIT! I just wanted some quality time and memories with them! Being married does not make me an outsider! It's through these events where all of us can gather and joke together. Beside, the elders did not went for hotel buffet before so what's wrong with bringing them? Think only people with strong family ties will understand what I am saying.

What should I do???

This morning, during a SMS conversation, my friend suggest to me that I should be an insurance agent. To me, this job will require me to dress up (which I hate!) and speak proper english (which I can't!). However, when my friend pointed out the benefits to me, the benefits started to blur the "noise" I had.
All along, I aim to stay home in 2 to 3 years time after giving birth to a second child, took maternity leave & claim all the medical benefits from the company I am currently working in. Therefore, I told myself to brush up trading skills for stocks & forex so that I Never Have to Work Again! I have never consider a second option, which is being a financial advisor like my brother!

Firstly, being an advisor, I will have the flexible time to stay home with my kids and also have a income. I also have more time to do other things now that I don't have to spend a specific amount of time in office. Normally when I know of any great deal or an importance of something, I will always recommend to my friends or relatives. My purpose is to help them, not to earn money. This in turn translate into the products that I can sell so as to help people acheive their financial goals and also protect themselves.

After pondering for almost the whole day, negative voices had been crying aloud at the back of my head! Do I really wanna dress up?! Can I earn enough to cover my expenses?! Will I be able to get clients?! Can people understand my english?! Am i being too naive?!

Despite the noise, I had planned to study and pass the required exam before my second child comes along. Mind power also activated to cancel the noise but my mind is still confused. Hmm... I will ask for my husband opinion, brother's view and my advisor advise before deciding.

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